FATIGUED

Right now, I'm just hurt. 

I hate speaking about feelings to people. They'll tell me ''everything's gonna be alright'' but no, things just get worse. I don't need pain for now, I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm fatigued of being there for people but all they do is disappoint me. I want to feel numb again. I miss waking up in the morning,having my morning coffee and worry about nothing but at this point, so much to think about. I'm tired, very very tired. Oh God, whatever test you are giving me now, I hope it's worth to think about.

Take me away oh my imaginary friend from this cruel world, cruel people.

Take me far far away and keep me safe

What I've Learned

I've been walked on, used and forgotten and i don't regret one moment of it, because in those moments I've learned a lot. I've learned who i can trust and can't. I've learned the meaning of friendship. I've learned how to tell when people are lying and when they're sincere. I've learned how to be myself, and appreciate  the truly great people in my life as they arrive.

Friendship

A friend is someone who will catch you when you fall, dry your tears and tell you it will be all right, pretend to be happy just to cheer you up, never leave you by yourself, attempt to talk to you at least once a day no matter what, make you laugh when you're sad, call back if you hang up on them, make everything you two do together into something fun no matter how boring it is, always remind you of your inside jokes, finish your sentences, think the same way you do, follow you wherever you go, stop you from doing something stupid or hurting yourself, and they're always willing to give up something that means a lot to them because they can be sure you'll always be there in return, and because to them you'll always mean more than you can imagine.

Best Feelings In The World

-Sleeping in late
-Having no homework
-Being like/loved back
-First swim of the summer
-A smile from that special someone
-When people laugh at your jokes
-Hugs that last more than a minute
-When someone tells you that you smell good
-When he texts you first
-Looking at pictures from when you were little
-Being called beautiful
-When someone tells you they never want to lose you
-Finding those jeans that fit perfectly
-Making a stranger smile
-Listening to your favorite song
-Receiving hand-written letters
-Putting on sweatpants after wearing jeans all day
-Winning an argument
-Packing for a vacation
-Knowing you will be okay

I WISH

Sometimes I wish I were a guy. I wouldn't have to pluck my eyebrows or shave my legs. I wouldn't have to have period pains. I could have my own 'mafia brotherhood gang'. My bros' would back me up when I'm in trouble. I can joke around with them without having to worry I would offend them. My bros' wouldn't overreact over small things and I don't have to be so cautious. Nobody could ever call me a bitch. And I wouldn't have to spend so much money on beauty products. All I have to worry about is what I'm having for lunch later and what car I would be driving after school. Life would be simple.

ISOLATION

Bring me to escape, in a town far from here. Where yellow coloured lights bind the streets. Where people roam free with sweet sensing smiles on their faces, because there isn't a thing to worry about. Bring me to escape, to a place of liberation. Where it wouldn't matter what clothes you wear, what sort of music you listen to, how you look, how you speak and how you act. Bring me to escape, in a place where evening time is the best time of the day. When the moon rises and the sun sets. Where thick warm coats are an essential. Where bright lights shine from the restaurants across the street, welcoming us with lovely aromas of noodles and dumplings. Bring me to escape, to where we wouldn't have to rush because we could make time. A time for living. Time for working and time for loving. Bring me to escape, where no one knows me, and I know no one.

Zens Supermodel Search 2012

On 12/07/2012 I'm entering a Zens supermodel Search 2012. Yes! As a contestant, I'm very nervous. I have to fill up a form that full of questions. One of it was "describe yourself" and I answer " I love to be in front of the cameras, being surrounded by all fashions. I love to show my talent by entering every of audition/competition because that's how I show myself.." and I think that was my best answer so far. The director and the photographer are so friendly which make me so comfortable being around them. And yes! I am the youngest model (again) Before the result cme out, I knw I didnt make it to the next round. Because, for a supermodel all it need is 170 cm height. And yup I was right I am not selected. Oh well, at least I did my best. I just want take an experience. But that was a bad news. The good news is, they said they will call me if there is any job that suitable for me such as model commercial etc.. I'm so happy for that. I just need to wait what happen next. Because for me, there is no "give up" words. I don't care what ppl gonna say about me. Yes, I've been through lots of tough way. But it makes me more stronger to facing whats gonna happen next and I will never giving up. Because this is my passion, this is what I want since I was a kid. And I'm not gonna let it down just because your "friend" talk shit about you. I mean who cares? This is your life not them. You're the one that should make a decision not them.

UNDISCOVERED

I've always thought, if you threw a coin in a fountain, all the wishes you'd wish for would come true. If you blew the candles out on your birthday, all the wishes you'd wish for would come true. If you saw a shooting star, closed your eyes and crossed your fingers, all the wishes you'd wish for would come true. & If you prayed at night, all your wishes would come true.  I grew up expecting, I grew up dreaming, I grew up thinking that there was hope. In everything. Yet after all the recent so called, horrible, events that I've been through I still am wishing. I most definitely am still hoping for that special something to happen. That spark. And although nothing came true yet, I won't give up. Ican't give up. Because giving up is knowing you've failed, and accepting you've failed. I am no quitter. I wont give up dreaming. I'm not giving up wishing. And I'm never giving up hoping.

Perfection

Sometimes I wonder, if a girl really knows how pretty she is. Regardless of who she is/how she looks like. I mean, everyone has said it before, haven't they? "Everything has its own beauty." But does that really mean something? We strive each and everyday being all nutty about how we look. Without all the layers and layers of makeup and behind all those fancy clothes we sometimes aren't even able to afford. Because we are so fond of how we actually would want to look like. Something that is known to be the whole definition of perfect. Gorgeous straight hair, perfect body, amazing skin tone, beautiful face even without a touch of makeup, and not to mention, extremely long legs.

& to be honest, it was never that easy for me as well. I have days where sometimes I just hate myself because of how I look like in the mirror. More often than not, I don't see "pretty". And that's where all the endless shopping and long hours of getting ourselves ready to head out to town comes in and saves the day.

Thinking of it long and hard, what is really ugly is probably s o c i e t y, itself. It gets us wrapped into this ball of insecurity just when we think its fine to look how we look like. So, I say, society can go screw itself because everyone's beautiful. Yes, that might come out as cliche but lets put the truth out there for a second. Everyone has their own perspective of what is beautiful, yes? Well, here's a thought, being perfect is boring. Being different, on the other hand, is what makes you stand out from all the rest. So know that, you are beautiful. And noooo one, could tell you otherwise.

Put The Past Behind

I am terrified of what there is to come. Would the pain grow? Is it verging to become worst? I'm afraid of 
c h a n g e.The thought of it is enough to keep me feeling agitated. I was alone most of the time. Eating alone, singing alone & crying alone. I wouldn't want that, ever. I don't want to be forgotten.

I am frightened by the world. Yes, it made me what I am today. But I'm not sure if what I am is what I've always wanted to be. Because this time last year, I was a complete different person. I was more content. I was loud. I was crazy insane. I gave out loads of foolish grins, because there wasn't a thing to worry about. 

I am troubled, it's just as haunting. I am somewhat scared of something I'm not even fully aware of. I'm confused. But I guess it's time to grow up. It's time I grow up. It's time I learn from my mistakes. It's time I become wise and put the past behind me. Because it doesn't matter as much anymore. What matters lies ahead.

Stop and Stare

She caught him staring as she smiled charyly. Alarmed by the sudden eye contact, she looked away. She couldn't tell if he had feelings for her. Was he too shy to say? His mouth is moving, but all she heard was mumbles, bridle over, and jumbled up thoughts. This time she knew she had to say something. But who were they kidding. They were both just teenagers, who had their tongue tied on jibberish. The words they know would only come out cluttering. Fuck.

She would do anything to set the clock in reverse. It was obvious they were both into one another, yet neither of them wants to say it. She thinks there's another girl. And, well, for him, it's just vice versa. But is there really? Eventually that arousing feeling that was once there, wasn't anymore. And all they did was stop and stare on what could have been.

Continue To Love The Vast Blue Sky

If i had not met you that day, then i would not have experienced that pain and sadness, and memories filled with tears, But, if i had not met you, i would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, and memories filled with tears, But... if i had not met you, i would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, preciousness, happiness, and the feeling of absolute happiness. I continue to love the vast blue sky ♥

Life Must Move On

 

Being happy, angry, sad, cry, crazy, in love etc.. is just normal for a teen. A teen as young as me, must make the world believe that they're proud of you . Life is too short to be unhappy. There's so many things to do to be a successful person in our future. I know how it feels to be hurt, I know how it feels to be unacceptable . I've been through lots of it. Mothers always give their children an advice "do not having a boyfriend if you're still young unless you're already finish studying". I used not to hear what my mom said. I used to ignore all my mom's advice. But, years after years, it makes me realize that it's just un-matured and so childish. I started to agree with what my mom said. And begin a new life. It is not too late for you to change a thing in your life to make your dream come true. Doesn't matter where you from, How old are you, just ignore the haters. Put your head up take a deep breath and smile. Because you deserve what you have. Never look back what already past because Life Must Move On forward.

With Love ~

The Day After Tomorrow

Alright, moving on , you guys probably wondering why do I keep on deleting my blog and post? First of all, I wanted to delete my blog and stop writing because I honestly don't really have time to update and I'm pretty much out of idea of what to talk about but then there's some of my readers out there told me not to stop writing and they gave me some motivation. I gotta say,I am flattered cause I don't expect there's anyone out there would read story of my life. So, I decided to continue writing since I've been writing when I was younger and why should I stop now since writing is one my way to actually expressed myself . Secondly,  I've read my first post in my old blog and I wrote "I'm starting fresh" but honestly I don't really get the chance to start fresh because my heart still holding to something and I don't think I could ever let go. Therefore, I'm not gonna plan anything for my life anymore cause I got sick of planning especially to something that doesn't work out . So,I'm gonna let everything flow and be spontaneous because we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow or the day after tomorrow .

                                                                                                                                                                              With love ~

Affection In Teen's Life

No matter how old we are, we all needs affection.I know I'm young but I know love. When I was younger, I've always believe in love. Well, blame it all on the books and movies for keep my expectations high on love. As I grow older, I stopped believe in it because I realize life isn't like a movie. So then, I started to pushed people away from me because most of people that I know, they talk ''love'' that potty. I get really scared of getting hurt and I tried so hard to not fall in love with anyone because you know some people doesn't know what's love really mean. Yes,it's quaint really for a sixteen-years-old girl to talk about love but trust me, age is just a number and by looking at my parents and love birds out there , I know what love is. When I said 'I tried so hard to not fall in love with anyone' I know, the truth is I can't avoid being in love because eventually I will.